Reflective Writing
What I would like to share is an experience from my
part-time job as a sales promoter at Sim Lim Square. Brief description, as a
sales promoter our salary is high in commission and low in basic. So every sales promoter that is working
with you is not only your friend, they are also your competitors.
What I wanted to highlight is as a sales promoter, we have a
few simple golden rules to follow. One of that rules is when a return customer
who has been served and came back, the other promoters should not try close the
deal and take the credit for himself. The other promoters should assist and
refer the customer back to the previous promoter who had served. Unless, that
promoter is not in on that day whether is medical leave, work off or holiday.
This is to prevent conflict among us.
One of my most unforgettable lessons that I have learned and
wanted to share is when my colleague closes a deal and takes the credit for
himself. At that point of time, I was angry and anxious. Angry in my colleague
as why did my colleague did this and anxious in, will this ruins our
relationship and my day-to-day work or will it lead to a conflict if I reported
it to my superior. In the end, I kept quiet and did nothing, as I did not wish
to make a big fuss out of it.
Through this experience, I have learned something. Some
people are cunning, two-faced and willing to do anything to get what they want
but in the end, are they happy or satisfy for what they have done or become.
Some may say you need to become cunning and two-faced in order to survive in
this concrete jungle but they are not necessarily right. I believe if we can
live an honest and clear conscience with our family and friends, it is the best
life that a man can ever ask for. This experience is not only a turning point
for me; it also has become a guidance to lead me to become a better person and
to prevent myself from going to the wrong path.
Thanks for sharing Boon Yew. You have expressed fine details of your feelings when such an event occurred to you. I feel that you have done well in crystallising your reflections as you have resolute yourself to lead a better life.
ReplyDeleteIt's organised and coherent (the way you link your ideas).
ReplyDeleteIt's descriptive and I think it's impactful because you talked about humanity (in a way). :D
On Boon Yew,
ReplyDeleteGood job! Please see my comments below:
Content: A meaningful reflection indeed. This is a valuable lesson in life. You are lucky to have learned it so early.
Organisation: Very logical piece of writing--you first described then reflected on a situation, then reported on what you learned.
Language: You writing reflects your thoughts well, but here are some points you may wish to think about and pay attention to in future:
1. Use of comma in 'Brief description, as a sales promoter our salary is high in commission and low in basic.'
Think about the purpose of using comma here. Remember a comma is used to connect closely ideas together. A colon / long dash (: / ) may be better here because it is used to introduce an idea in a sentence.
2. So every sales promoter 'that' is working with you is not only your friend, they are also your competitors.
Think about the use of 'that' vs 'who'.
3. What I wanted to highlight is as a sales promoter, we have a few simple golden rules to follow
Think about the use of 'wanted' here. When you wrote 'wanted', you had not introduced the rules, so it is better to use the present form 'want' or 'would like'.
4. One of that rules is when a return customer who has been served and came back, the other promoters should not try close the deal and take the credit for himself.
Think about why you used 'that' instead of 'one of the rules'
Pay attention to the lack of / incorrect use of 'relative clause markers' such as 'that', 'when', 'which' and 'who'. Your sentence has two parts:
i. One of that rules is
ii. when a return customer who has been served and came back
Part ii describes Part i in your sentence, correct? In English when you add information in the second part to describe the first part, you should connect it with a relative clause marker.
So, you should write One of th¬e rules is 'that' when a return customer who has been served and came back....
Compare that sentence with this one where you used 'that' correctly:
One of my most unforgettable lessons that I have learned and wanted to share is when my colleague closes a deal and takes the credit for himself.
5. ...the other promoters should not try close the deal and take the credit for himself.
promoters is plural, so the pronoun you should use is 'themselves' instead of 'himself'.
6. Think about the word you are using to express the concept + explanation:
Concept: Unless, that promoter is not in on that day
Explanation: ...'whether' is medical leave, work off or holiday.
=>the 2nd part is an explanation, so it should be 'because of'
7. At that point of time, I was angry and anxious. Angry 'in' my colleague as 'why did' my colleague did this and anxious in, 'will this' ruins our relationship and my day-to-day work or 'will it' lead to a conflict if I reported it to my superior. In the end, I kept quiet and did nothing, as I did not wish to make a big fuss out of it.
-Angry + at (at express specific locations / feelings), whereas 'in' is used more generally.
-Think about the use of 'why did', 'will this, 'will it'--missing subject and verb in the sentence.
8. I believe if we can live + an honest and + clear conscience with our family and friends, it is the best life that a man can ever ask for. Think about the parallelism in this sentence.
i. ...live + an honest + ???+ with our ... family and friends
ii. ...live + with + clear conscience... ???+ with our family and friends
Can you see what is missing here? Both 'honest and 'clear conscience' are adjectives. What do they describe?
Blogging buddies: Good feedback on the content of the reflection.
ReplyDeleteHELLO!
ReplyDeleteSorry for the late post! You were able to go in depth into personal views and reflecting upon your values, which is commendable! The organization is precise and straight to the point, however do note of some minor structural errors and phrasing! A job well done, keep it up!
Thanks Miss Cook, after your explanation I have a better understanding like:
ReplyDelete1. Use of comma in 'Brief description, as a sales promoter our salary is high in commission and low in basic.'
I can a colon which is better for me to introduce an idea.
2. So every sales promoter 'that' is working with you is not only your friend, they are also your competitors.
For who is better to refer a person rather than 'that' which is refer to something.
3. What I wanted to highlight is as a sales promoter, we have a few simple golden rules to follow
This part I will use 'want' as it is my initial plan, but I will take note on the tense.
4. One of that rules is when a return customer who has been served and came back, the other promoters should not try close the deal and take the credit for himself.
For this I will take note of the relative clause markers' such as 'that', 'when', 'which' and 'who'.
5. ...the other promoters should not try close the deal and take the credit for himself.
promoters is plural, so the pronoun you should use is 'themselves' instead of 'himself'.
This part is my careless mistake. I slip through without realize that I use 'himself'.
6. Think about the word you are using to express the concept + explanation:
Concept: Unless, that promoter is not in on that day
Explanation: ...'whether' is medical leave, work off or holiday.
=>the 2nd part is an explanation, so it should be 'because of'
For this I was trying to explain like irregardless of any reasons. So is it still under concept?
7. At that point of time, I was angry and anxious. Angry 'in' my colleague as 'why did' my colleague did this and anxious in, 'will this' ruins our relationship and my day-to-day work or 'will it' lead to a conflict if I reported it to my superior. In the end, I kept quiet and did nothing, as I did not wish to make a big fuss out of it.
This part I will use 'I was so angry at my colleague for'
8. I believe if we can live + an honest and + clear conscience with our family and friends, it is the best life that a man can ever ask for. Think about the parallelism in this sentence.
i. ...live + an honest + 'life'+ with our ... family and friends
ii. ...live + with + clear conscience... 'heart'+ with our family and friends
Can you see what is missing here? Both 'honest and 'clear conscience' are adjectives. What do they describe?
So if I add life and heart is it will be better?